Offseason Power Rankings - 9/27/19

Early Offseason Power Rankings - anonymous
So here’s the deal. The remaining [redacted] decided to write up both an unbiased and accurate power rankings of all teams in the league based off potential keepers for next year (not taking into account the amount of years for each keeper, strictly for next season alone). [redacted], all come from drastically different walks of life and can provide some different perspective due to our diversity for these rankings. So here we go, from the [redacted], mister [redacted], and the [redacted], we present to you the Early Offseason Power Rankings!

1. Mr. Rañdy Rothbort
Rañdall Scott Rothbort knowñ to mañy as “Rañdo” has ñever showñ his kñees iñ public. A stroñg batch of youñg keepers as always, Rañdy has approached his ñext seasoñ with a pitcher-ceñtric keeper strategy. His stroñg, uñcircumcised staff [of pitchers] peñetrates teams deep with a 1-2-3-4 punch of top 25 pitchers from the 2019 seasoñ. Ñot to meñtioñ, he also has the spoils of two of the youñgest, hottest hitters iñ the league with Acuña and Soto. Stoñks goiñ up."Ronald Acuna Jr. - 5th""Juan Soto - FA""Aaron Nola - 8th""Patrick Corbin - 10th""Chris Paddack - 20th""Lucas Giolito - 17th""Brendan Mckay - FA""Zach Wheeler - 16th""Hunter Dozier - FA""Tommy La Stella - FA""Caleb Smith - FA"

2. Mr. Joshua Halilej
Since winning the league Josh became a bigger Drake fan than Jay, since the only song that he listens to now is Back to Back. Can’t blame the guy after he’s dominated the league the last two seasons. An out of this world offense highlighted by Bellinger, Rendon, and Alsono will more than suffice to keep this team not just relevant, but championship bound again next season. His second team offense of LeMahieu, Boagerts, Suarez, and Bell is better than many team’s entire offenses. Be scared of this team because it’s not going away anytime soon!"Pete Alonso - 10th round""DJ LeMahieu - FA""Anthony Rendon - 7th""Xander Bogaerts - 4th""Cody Bellinger - 14th""Eugenio Suarez - 6th""Josh Bell - 14th""Blake Snell - 18th""Madison Bumgarner -6th""Dallas Keuchel -10th""Matt Boyd - 25th"

3. Mr. Aron Lampert and Andrew Weiner
Well, well, well, look how the rookie finished! Think you're the shit Weiner? Well let me tell you buddy if it wasn’t for Lamps guidance this past year you guys would've been in the dumps. However, I’ll give credit where credit is due. You guys made a bunch of trades, and got guys like Castillo and Morton. These solid pitchers can go along with your already outstanding pitching staff next season, so that you have five of the top twenty-five pitchers from 2019. Eleven trades during the course of one season is definitely the most in league history, but the odd strategy of buying/selling in the same season might not get you to the championship next year. The depth is there for the championship birth, but it remains to be seen if this team will make the right moves to pull off such a feat."Marcus Semien - 22nd""Austin Meadows - FA""Ketel Marte - 21st""Aristides Aquino - FA""Eloy Jimenez - 20th""Nelson Cruz - 5th""Keston Huira -24th""Trevor Bauer - 26th""Hyun-Jin Ryu - 19th""Luis Castillo - 6th""Yu Darvish - 7th""James Paxton - 16th""Charlie Morton - 6th""Luke Weaver - 21st"

4. Mr. Jay Kammerman
I know what you’re thinking, “Jay is ranked 4th?” That’s the same number as the amount of wins he had this season. Many of you might not agree with this placement, but even though jay finished with quite a poor record this year he still has many promising players. A mid season trade that gave him flaherty and alvarez for cheap propels him up through the ranks."Aaron Judge - 21st""Yordan Alvarez - FA""Josh Donaldson - 5th""Mike Moustakas - 10th""Nico Hoernerner - FA""Jack Flaherty - 19th""Jose Berrios - FA""Luis Severino -26th""Zac Gallen - FA""Max Fried - FA""Masahiro Tanaka - 7th""Jesus Luzardo -9th""Frankie Montas - FA"

5. Mr. Matt Wieselthier
Wiesel has a solid group of players going into next season. His team is highlighted by two of the best young pitchers in Buehler and Bieber, and arguably the best value keeper in the league with Gleyber in the last round. If his Kansas City Royal Rumble duo of Merrifield and Soler can reproduce similar seasons next year Wiesel may be on his way back to the postseason. Adding a healthy Andjuar to his lineup could push him over the edge to a franchise best top 3 finish."Gleyber Torres - 27th""Whit Merrifield - FA""Miguel Andujar - 26th""Starling Marte - 4th""Jorge Soler - FA""Victor Robles - 21st""Gavin Lux - FA""Shane Bieber - 7th""Walker Buehler - 22nd""Ryan Yarborough - FA""Mike Fiers - FA"

6. Mr. Bush
Bush's team usually has quite a reputation for being horribly below average. And for a long time, this looked like it would be his year he finally made the playoffs. Yet even though he ultimately fell short, he had a good enough stretch that his franchise is no longer considered to be as big of a joke as it once was. On the heels of Baez, Devers, Polanco, and Clevinger, Bush hopes to make his first playoff run ever next year. And if he ever learns how to draft good pitchers, it could finally happen."J.T. Realmuto -16th""Trey Mancinici -19th""Jonathan Villar -11th""Rafael Devers - 5th""Javier Baez -10th""Jorge Polanco - 18th""Rhys Hoskins - FA""Max Kepler -17th""Matt Olson - 8th""Mike Clevinger - 9th""Kyle Hendricks - 7th""Domingo German - FA""Robbie Ray - 20th""Tyler Glasnow - 16th"

7. Mr. David Glass
I like this team. Santana is sneaky underrated but was actually one of the highest scoring players this season - finishing with more points than Juan Soto, in part due to finishing 5th in the MLB in walks. Castellanos’ monster second half since being traded to the Cubs also has turned him into a valuable keeper for Wiesel’s boyfriend, David. As far as pitching staffs go, this one had an unexpectedly good year with a one-two punch of Minor and Lynn each saucing over 200 innings and 200 strikeouts, and rookie of the year candidate Mike Soroka put in a solid year as well. "Yasmani Grandal - 24th""Yuli Gurriel - 10th""Carlos Santana - 5th""Elvis Andrus - FA""Didi Gregorius - 18th""Nick Castellanos - 8th""Austin Riley - 27th""Shohei Ohtani - 4th""Mike Minor - FA""Cole Hamels - 9th""Lance Lynn - FA""Mike Soroka - FA""Dakota Hudson - FA""Jake Odorizzi - FA"

8. Mr. Alex Hilbert
Current Sacko champion Alex is coming in hot tepid lukewarm into the 2020 season with some promising keepers like David’s friend Bo Bichette and a rejuvenated but still short Sonny Gray. Alex has a ton of players listed here because he has options, although not all of them are viable options. Michael Brantley had a sneaky good season, and the rounds that he keeps him, Gray, and Bichette make them solid for any team despite Hilbert’s low placement last year."Bo Bichette - 29th""Michael Brantley - 19th""Mitch Haniger - 25th""Sonny Gray - 25th""David Dahl - 15th or FA""Nick Senzel - 9th""Bryan Reynolds - FA""Joey Gallo - 14th""Adam Eaton - 10th""Kyle Tucker - 18th""Tim Anderson - 12th""Kyle Seager - 22nd""Miles Mikolas -27th""John Means - FA""Luis Arreaz - FA""Brandon Woodruff - 14th""Aaron Civale - 14th"

9. Mr. Erik Simon
When you think of all-time falls from grace you think of Ryan Leaf, Len Bias, and former league champion turned second-to-last-place degenerate, Erik Simon. Erik draws many comparisons to Bias for their extensive “research” into recreational drug use, which in turn led to their respective downfalls. Unlike Bias, however, Erik at least has sensational top tier keeper FTJ to fall back on. Whereas Bias only had a (very large, albeit probably quite comfortable) coffin."Fernando Tatis Jr. - 8th""Tommy Pham - 12th""Jose Abreu - 6th""Eduardo Escobar - FA""David Peralta - FA""Adalberto Mondessi - 4th""Eduardo Rodriguez - 28th""Zack Greinke - 4th"

10. Mr. Dan Gilburne
Hey Dan, turn around. Your horrible fantasy baseball future is right behind you! If Dan was lost in the middle of a blizzard, and the only firewood he had was his keepers from this year, he would freeze to death in 20 minutes. 19 of those minutes come from burning Guerrerro Jr and his ridiculously thicc ass, and then the blizzard would take an extra minute to kill him because it's too busy laughing in his face."Wilson Contreras - 4th""Luke Voit -11th""Max Muncy - 16th""Matt Chapman - 15th""Lourdes Gurriel Jr. - 13th""Ozzie Albies - 4th""Vladimir Guerro Jr. - 21st round""Ramon Laureno - FA""Oscar Mercado - FA""Jeff McNeil - FA""Marcus Stroman - 18th"